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Leading Yourself Well - A Tactical Approach to Personal Development & Team Building Relationships & Tough Conversations


You don’t walk away from a thirty-year career in law enforcement without a few scars to show for it. The unfortunate truth for most of us is that those scars and wounds were self-inflicted. I hear it all the time from first responders how the job did this and the job did that… The truth is, we have been blessed with the best job in the world; noble, filled with meaning and purpose. If it’s anything less than that for you, the likely culprit is the person staring back at you in the mirror. If it feels like I’m beating you up a bit, you’re not misinterpreting the tone and gist of this topic.


One major theme we must understand is that of taking responsibility, ownership of the decisions we make or in many cases fail to make. When we point the finger and blame others for the circumstances we find ourselves in the start of the painful journey of victimhood. I’m sure you have heard the adage “that you don’t have control over what happens to you only how you respond”. Although true, in many cases you do have control over what happens to you. The importance of being honest with ourselves in uncovering the “WHY” of the situation can’t be overstated. Once we take a breath and get away from the noise we invite clarity into our lives, clarity that aids us in making decisions that are in our best interests.


“Relationships & Tough Conversations” sounds harmless enough of a topic to broach. The truth, us not getting this part right in our lives is one of the major contributors to us taking our own lives. Yep, you read that correctly. The job is dangerous, always has been, always will be. Statistically, you are the greatest threat to you going home, not the car of armed suspects you stop on the interstate. For every bad guy that kills one of us, two -three of us, kill ourselves. If you’re shocked to hear this, don’t feel bad, I didn’t know these statistics until I retired from the profession, it’s our failed, dirty secret. Of those two to three that take their own lives, half the time it’s the result of a failed relationship, a divorce. What I am not saying, I’m not saying I’m against folks getting a divorce. Sometimes that separation can be the absolute best thing for a couple and their family. The decision needs to be made free from emotion and that can be a tough ask during that time in your life.


Knowing this dynamic is one of the major variables that contribute to suicide within this profession, how much training time is devoted to your relationship and communication skills enhancement? I have presented for tens of thousands of first responders across the country, the answer I receive unanimously, zero. The verified number one reason why you don’t go home, and not so much as a mention during your in service training. Once you know and you refuse to do something about it, you have blood on your hands.


We need tangible techniques and skillsets to make you a better communicator at home. We must discuss the importance of communicating even when doing so initially feels like a mistake. Re-wiring the way we approach tough conversations will allow you to embrace the that which initially feels like you should run away from. Author and speaker Dr. Gary Chapman and the “Five Love Languages” provides an easy-to-understand template of types of communication orientation to help us understand the importance of knowing what your love language is as well as that of your spouse. (Act’s of Service, Gift Giving , Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, and Physical Touch) As first responders we can be empowered to be able to communicate with the people at home that we love and how they can love us back. Without you realizing it, your emotional intelligence will be improved, all with the goal of allowing you to break that cycle of hyper-vigilance and get back to being the man, woman, father, mother, that you were always meant to be. Enough talking about it, let’s get after it! Always here for you, always, John


Heroes Guiding Heroes Foundation:


If you or a family member is having any issues with mental health or relationships, please reach out for help. Responder Health (responderhealth.com) is an organization that offers resources specifically for first responders and their families. Responder Health provides confidential and full-service solutions that support first responders through stress and traumatic events, and provides them with the education, resources, and community they need to live healthy, happy lives. Our peer advocate hotline (253)243-3701 offers a confidential 24-hour crisis referral service for all public safety employees, all emergency services personnel, and their family members nationwide.

 
 
 

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