Leading Yourself Well - A Tactical Approach to Personal Development & Team Building Series
- Ret. Sgt. John Kelly
- Mar 15
- 4 min read
We hear it all the time. The “Culture” of the organization is responsible for …. The “Culture” is the reason why we are facing the challenges with, recruitment, retention, leadership, camaraderie, mental health, physical health … and the list goes on and on. The truth is exactly that. The culture of an organization is a byproduct of the behaviors its members are willing to accept. For you to change the culture of the organization you first must change the culture of you. If we only could get this part right, I truly believe everything else would fall in line. Getting there requires holding yourself accountable, changing behaviors and understanding the moral obligation to “care” for each other and not necessarily like each other.
During my presentations I speak about the threat of AI. I see the head nods in agreement and then I inform the room it’s not Artificial Intelligence that’s the threat, it’s Alcohol and Infidelity. Heads stop nodding, some smirks, and smiles and then a quiet reflection overcomes the room. The question to the room, “Do we accept unacceptable behavior from each other in this profession?” If we are being honest with ourselves and each other the only answer to that question, “Yes, we do it all the time”. We have been conditioned like Pavlov’s dog to accept unacceptable behavior so we may receive our reward. The need for acceptance into this tribe has continued to infect its members with a dysfunctional set of rules that in the end benefits no one.
We have a problem with substance abuse in this profession, primarily alcohol. From day one you have been told that this is your medicine, it's how we relax and what we use to deal with a bad day. With 29 years sober, I consider myself more than experienced to be discussing this topic. I don’t have a problem with you having a drink. I have a problem with you drinking to numb the pain or to run from trauma. The issue, if everyone does this and it’s widely accepted, who’s there to tell you, enough is enough, who’s there to help you course correct and get back on track? I can’t be the voice of reason, if I’m doing the same thing. Unacceptable behavior is like a magnet; it draws us close to each other. If everyone deals with trauma this way it must be the right way, and if it's not, how would I know, it's ingrained in our culture. It is also one of the reasons we keep to ourselves and don’t have many friends outside of this community. For the entirety of my 30 year career I rarely if ever associated with people that weren’t “on the job”. Not because they weren’t good, decent people. Why then? They would question my unacceptable behavior, challenge it and expose the chink in the metal. I’d much rather be around folks that accepted my behavior, the old adage “misery loves company” comes to mind. This is how we stay stuck, by creating an environment that condones and doesn’t challenge us to be better.
If we don’t care for ourselves, we will never have the capacity to care for each other. An unfortunate dynamic has taken hold of the members of this profession, the notion that “I must like you to care for you”. One thing should have absolutely nothing to do with the other. There exists a moral obligation, if you are going to be in this thing of ours, to care for one another. We expect support and caring from our communities and we can’t even do that for ourselves , never mind each other. So where do we start? I’ll make it easy. When we see behavior that is unacceptable either from within ourselves or each other, we call it out and ask WHY? Instead of condemning, isolating, and reprimanding, we ask Why? When we ask for the why of the behavior, we create the environment of caring that is often missing. When we ask why, we are now obligating ourselves to be part of the solution. When we commit to being part of the solution, we are no longer part of the problem. Commit to leading yourself well so that you may lead others well. Always here for you, always, John.
If you or a family member are having any issues with mental health or relationships, please reach out for help. Responder Health (responderhealth.com) is an organization that offers resources specifically for first responders and their families. Responder Health provides confidential and full-service solutions that support first responders through stress and traumatic events, and provides them with the education, resources, and community they need to live healthy, happy lives. Our peer advocate hotline (253)243-3701 offers a confidential 24-hour crisis referral service for all public safety employees, all emergency services personnel, and their family members nationwide.
Website: www.lawenforcementlifecoach.com
Email : john@lawenforcementlifecoach.com
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