The Gift of Grief

My dear friend Jay Dobyns always says that “wisdom” is always something that comes to him usually just right after he needs it; that couldn’t be a better description of this journey I call “My Life”. I was speaking to my therapist the other day and advised her that I was in this season of reflection. Maybe it is because of the holidays, maybe it is the the people we help daily, but probably it’s due to the word I loathe so much called “Grief”.

I haven’t written a blog since my father passed away from Covid-19 on December 6th, 2020. Shortly following, three dear friends also passed. These were friends who there with me from the start when I had nothing of value to offer but just an idea on how to help others. They supported me without question during the good times, the bad times, and during the times when I was getting my teeth kicked in for my beliefs which they always told me to hold “true” to.

Wisdom was trying to teach me something, but I had no idea what it was or what to look for. These four deaths were not sudden in the sense they happened in mere minutes. No, I had forewarning, they each told me that treatment was not an option, and I had the blessed opportunity to say goodbye to each of them and tell them how much I loved them. I’m not sure if that made it better or worse. I know emotionally and physically I have never felt so much pain in my life.

The last time I felt that pain was on March 17th, 2005, when I was led down the hallway at the US Marshals Office in Seattle wearing handcuffs and leg irons. That pain was not the fact that I was indicted and arrested, it was that it finally hit me, at that moment, when people were looking at me. People that I had let down - every person in my life close to me and that actually meant something. No excuses, my actions were self-inflicted, and it was my responsibility to gain some wisdom, make the changes necessary and try and turn my life around.

Looking back, I guess I’ve been carrying this particular “Grief” for about 18 years. In reality and looking back, the day I was shackled by my own demons was the greatest day of my life because it changed the course of my life and led to me to where I am today. Grateful for “Grief”??? I wish it wouldn’t have taken 18 years to figure out, but I guess some lessons in life are meant to take time and to follow a process. I can’t remember finding a playbook on how to handle situations like this.

I keep questioning why it took the deaths of 4 people who I cared so dearly about to finally understand that they were setting me free from myself. I was letting go of March 17th, 2005… they let go of that for me. Wow… forgiveness, peace, grace, and grief. Words that I thought I would never see in the same sentence but here they are.

I remember watching my father give me his last piece of advice. We both knew it was our last time speaking to each other on this earth and with two simple letters and one word he again changed my life for the better during a time of what I could only guess was massive grief. He was hanging in there and I told him that I’ve got mom, Vanessa and the kids taken care of, I got them. He said “Okay”. That was not it, father to son… you now have this, go make something of the world, it is your turn. Devastation set in but it’s time for me to become the man my father knew I could be. I was lost, then Charlie, Shannon, and Rob passed away in succession and the depths of depression, the meaning of life and everything else that comes from these hits just all came crumbling down upon me.

This all changed once some wisdom hit me after the funeral for Rob. His wife was giving the eulogy and she said something that forever impacted me… She said as she saw Rob take his final breath she saw a peace upon him and a depth and breadth of meeting Jesus Christ that was far above any comprehension she had ever seen. 

There it was… I’m going to be okay. My father, Charlie, Shannon, and Rob were right the whole time! The handcuffs and chains fell off the scared little child in me at that moment after wearing them for 18 years. Grief… I never would have thought that it was going to be the loss of so many that would bring me peace and joy. Again, I have no idea what the rule book says on this one because now I know I was meant to take this journey for some reason and to learn from it.

As we come upon this season of joy, family, presents and such, just remember that even during our darkest times it “can” be okay. I guess I just needed to listen, open my eyes, and get through what I needed to get through. Nothing fancy or complicated, just the belief that things will be “okay” in the end.

Merry Christmas, 

Jesus Christ Loves You

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